In the last couple weeks I have had several moments where I've thought, this can't really be happening. These are not bad moments but moments where slowly but surely my dreams that I have had for soooo long are coming together. It's an odd feeling when you decide to finally go after what you've dreamed of and slowly see it come to life in front of you.

I'm doing things I never thought possible with an amazing support system in a way that I couldn't have ever imagined and each little problem or step I take is a miracle. I just had one of those take your breathe away moments because I just sent this little dream rolling down the hill with no way to stop it. It's no longer just talk, it's real, it's going to happen and I am scared shitless.

AHHHH

I'm finally going to make my first movie. AHHHHH!!!!! That is all I care to share at this current moment. All you need to know is I am happy, overjoyed, stressed, scared, nervous, overwhelmed and so many other things all at the same time. I will be sharing more details as they come along but AHHHH it's actually going to happen!!!

Cucalorus & That Evening Sun

Last night I went to my first ever film festival. I will be honest when I say I didn't know what to expect because I've heard from so many people different stories about festivals such as Sundance and South by Southwest but I didn't know what this festival would be like. I was really impressed. Granted this was the first night and there is much more to see and do but I loved it. Film makers and lovers alike all joining together to share the things they are passionate about. It was my heaven.

That Evening Sun was the first movie of the festival and I was so excited to see it. Back in August I had a chance meeting with Tony Reynolds who was an Associate Producer and had a role in the movie. He had told me about the movie back then but I didn't know when I would be able to see it. Thanks to Cucalorus that happened last night. For those who haven't heard of the movie That Evening Sun is based off of the short story "I Hate to See That Evening Sun Go Down" by William Gay, who thanks to SoGoPro has become one of my favorite authors. The movie follows the journey of an 80 year old man named Abner Meecham as he leaves the nursing home he was placed in and returns to his home and farm land. Upon his return home learns that his son has rented the farm and house with the intention to sell it to a tenant farmer Lonzo Choat who on the surface is nothing more than a drunk abuser who will never get his life together enough to run the farm.

The battle that follows between Abner and Lonzo is intense and sometimes humorous with the trading of one liners that could have poured out of my grandfathers mouth. Abners only friendships come from his neighbor Thurl Chessor, Lonzo's daughter Pamela Choat and a faithful companion Nibbler. The characters in this movie popped of the screen with such an authenticity that I felt like I new all of these characters and they were hanging around my family tree and in my memories from home.

Hal Holbrook, Ray McKinnon, Mia Wasikowska, Carrie Preston, Dixie Carter, Barry Corbin, Barlow Jacobs, and Tony Reynolds all did an amazing job in this movie. I'm really shocked that the movie hasn't been picked up for distribution yet but I'm sure it is just a matter of time.

Seeing this movie only made me more excited to see the rest of the movies I have tickets for this weekend and to see Provinces of Night, William Gays novel that was made into a movie starring such greats as Kris Kristofferson, Val Kilmer, Hillary Duff, Dwight Yoakam, Hilaire Burton and Barry Corbin. If it is anything like That Evening Sun I'm sure it will blow my mind away.

Been Too Long

Well after almost 2 months I'm actually going to take the time to write some of the millions of thoughts that have been circling in my head for the last 2 months when I had time to actually sit down and think about them.

October was a crazy month. I felt like I spent more of it outside of Wilmington than I did in it. After starting the month hectic extraing and doing side projects I made a much needed trip home to see my family. I forgot how much I missed them and Arkansas until I was there. My family is the greatest support system a person could ask for. I will be grateful and spend the rest of my life trying to give back to them the support they have shown me with this crazy dream and move of mine. After several days of TONS (and I mean TONS) of food, a football game, seeing as many people as possible and some much needed time just talking to my parents I felt better than I ever have about where I'm going. That was until I got back and realized that I'm still "unemployed" and my plan has nothing set in stone which is difficult for me to deal with, but I'm learning to go with the flow and accept what life gives you as it comes.

The week that followed my weekend at home flew by filled with projects, writing, e-mailing, sending resumes, etc. It seemed like it was no time later and I was back in the air going to Orlando, FL to see my best friend Lindsay for a belated birthday celebration in Disney World. Now I've said it before but I forever be a little kid when it comes to Disney and I loved every second of the trip. Being back in a place that was home and still feels like home was great. Not to mention I got to spend a weekend without worrying about anything. I did do some soul searching and research on careers at Disney but other than that the outside world did not exist and it was amazing. Not to mention I got drunk at EPCOT, got to see Boyz II Men and got so much candy that I will be set until after the first of the year. Disney will always have a special place in my life and I'm working on going back very soon.

Since being back from Disney I have hit a couple rough patches, had a couple down days but I think those come to anyone who is struggling to attain a dream. Since then I have reaffirmed that my passion and my faith are going to get me where I need to be. I hope that it is here in Wilmington but I am starting to accept that I don't know for sure what is going to happen or when it is going to happen so my plans are officially in flux and will remain that way for a very long time.

This past weekend was my sisters birthday and I wished I could have been home with her and my family to celebrate but there will be plenty of that when I'm home for Thanksgiving in a couple weeks. However I did a surprise on her birthday, my parents had purchased tickets to see Garth Brooks in Las Vegas in February. Now I knew my dad had been talking about how he had wanted to go but I never thought that he would actually get the tickets and we would be going next year. This will be my first trip to Las Vegas and I'm so excited about it. We will be there for a weekend and I am already counting down the days and researching what sites I want to see while I'm there.

Considering I will be so close to the West Coast and LA I'm am contemplating an extension to the trip and hitting up LA to meet with a couple producers I have made contacts with recently. Of course this is all dependent on where my job status is at that point but I have always dreamed of going to LA and I think that it would be a great opportunity to go.

This weekend will mark my 5th month in Wilmington. I can't believe that it's been that long. I have had a roller coaster of a ride here and I honestly don't regret anything that has happened. I am a totally different person than I was back in June before moving here. I have learned a lot about myself, about others, and about how to handle those things you can never predict and move past the hard times and make the best out of a bad situation. I've made friends, and lost friends since I arrived here, I've gained and lost interest in many things, I've learned and lived. My priorities have shifted and my dreams grown stronger. My writing has changed with my changes and I am seeing things through perspectives I would have never thought of before. Even if everything doesn't work out like I dreamed it would I will always look back and think that this was the greatest thing I have ever done for myself.

This is long and rambling and probably doesn't make since but I've missed writing on here. I have been channeling the thoughts that I used to post here into my writings more lately and have been more guarded at what I share with the world but I'm ready to share again. This blog is therapeutic to me and though I don't see why anyone would want to read it those of you who do I thank you because without the support of friends like you I would struggle with the strength to forge on somedays. Thank you all.

Random Thoughts

I have finally decided what I am. I'm an eternal tween trapped in a 24 year olds body. I'm not afraid to admit that I watch the Disney Channel; love Demi, Selena, Taylor and even Miley's music and acting; I love everything Disney; I watch ABC Family, CW, Disney anything that is light and fun; my favorite things are classified for younger kids. But I don't think I'm alone in this. I think there is a fair margin of late teens, early to mid twenties, even some 30 year olds that enjoy the same things. Does that make me immature, uncool, or anything else, no. I like to be entertained, I like to laugh and be light hearted. My life has enough drama and complication without adding on to it with the TV and movies I watch. I love the Twilight series, books and movies. I have read the Harry Potter books multiple times and seen the movies even more. I love watching things that I don't have to think to enjoy, it's simple, fun and entertaining. I like to smile, laugh, dance, singalong. That is just me.

I say all of this and there are some darker, more mature, complicated things that I like. Heroes, True Blood, Desperate Housewives, Grey's Anatomy, Criminal Minds, etc. but at the end of the day They just aren't as entertaining to me. I like watching the girl get the guy, the drama that comes in the middle, the best friend who gets drug along for the ride no matter what happens, everything that comes from these shows. I'm not the artsy, complicated, deeper meaning kind of person. I've watched some of those films and got lost or bored early on. And that's what I'm going to write. I've tried to write darker pieces and they were in darker times of my life but I just can't stay in that state. Things I write are personal parts of me and it takes a lot of me to write them out. My heart and soul are on those pages and my heart and soul are young and romantic. That's what I write. My scripts fit perfectly with the Disney Channel and Nickelodeon teen stars of today. I'm not going to abandon that anytime soon.

New blog

I'm starting a small review blog for my own writing practice and your enjoyment. Check it out at http://reviewsbykc.blogspot.com.

It is literally just past 11 pm here in Wilmington and I am already in bed. Not because I have to wake up early to go to work or because I have a long day tomorrow. No because lately this is what I do. Now I probably will not be asleep before 12 or 1 but I am still in bed. In bed when I know that Bibis is just taking the stage down at the Whiskey or groups are gathering to prep themselves for a night out on the town. A time when younger kids are fast asleep and a "dedicated" student is still pondering starting that 3 page paper that is due at 8 am. I am here alone with my thought and my computer and I am ok with that.

I finally feel settled in Wilmington, not that I have any stability in my life to settle me but this city has become my home. A home that is similar to the one I left behind but with a lot less history and heartache. A place where I can be who I want to be, a place of my own.

It would be nice to have people to share this place with. Family and friends to have treasured memories shared in different locales on different occasions. Not that I don't have any but I feel like you always want more because you never know what might just be better than what you currently have. But in the end I am a solitary person. Whether by choice or actions or mere circumstance I am alone most of the time. This is not a bad thing. I like being independent, relying on myself and not having to worry about the pressures of being enough for somebody else. Because that is my problem. I never feel like I am enough. I'm never doing enough or saying enough, or as a person I am not enough. You could say that I lack in self confidence and when it comes to certain situations this is true. When it comes to my work and my dreams I am not. I know that I am good at what I do and that shows in my work. My family, my career, my chosen path in life, I have never lacked in self confidence about or around. But when it comes to friends, meeting new people, meeting guys I have always had a problem.

Growing up I had a normal childhood, normal except for the fact that I was incredibly shy. I would get sick at the idea of having to speak in front of the class. Meeting new people sent waves through my stomach. Then I found sports and in elementary school they changed it all. It was easy to connect with the girls I played with. Basketball games and practices would lead to sleepovers and friendships at school. But not with everyone. There was always that group, you know the group. The group that knew they were better than everyone one else. The group that everyone strived to fit in with. I always wanted to fit in with that group but I never did. When we got to Junior High I was good enough to make the school basketball team. I was so happy. I was finally in with that group of girls. But I wasn't. I was the outsider even on the team. That was when I started my habit of giving everything I had to others. I gave up myself for them. I completely lost who I was. I did things I would have never done, which is normal but not for me. I lost who I was in those two years. The problem was is that those years are when you develop the most. By the time I hit high school and could no longer play I was a lost soul searching for a place.

I found it. During my time in Junior High I had gone back and forth between the sports jocks and the band geeks. Two groups that did not mix well and that put a strain on me. In high school I decided to take on band as the thing that I would do. Now I would like to say that my high school had it's fair share of cliques and they did tend to stick to their own but we also all knew each other. Most of us had grown up with each other and had added on to groups as we went through the schools. There were no divided tables at lunch, there were plenty of people who did multiple things and had friends in multiple groups but we did have our divides like everyone else. The jocks and the bandies were the two biggest groups. I fit in for the first time in my life, and not to brag but I was popular. I had more friends than I could ever dream of. We all knew each other, hung around with each other, and we were almost a big family.

The three years I spent in that band were great. Then something happened that changed my world. That family that I formed separated and divided. I lost my best friend over a guy and never recovered. I got lost in the sea of college and drowned quickly. I was back in the time when I didn't know where I belonged. I have transitioned in and out of that state for the last 6 years. I have had periods where I was surrounded by friends and periods where it has been just me. I don't rely on others to make me happy, I don't need constant companionship to feel fulfilled. In fact most days I would rather do things on my own anyway. Life is so much less complicated when all you have to worry about is yourself. Now the loneliness does set in and I do need people in my life and I have a very strong core of people around the country to provide that.

The whole point of this blog is that tonight while watching Hannah Montana, yes I watch the Disney Channel it's rather calming actually, they said a quote that stuck with me "Sometimes friends come into your life for a reason and sometimes for a season." I love this because I know that just because I am not friends with everyone I have ever been friends with and just because I am not surrounded by them right now doesn't mean that they didn't have a purpose in my life and that if they did come into my life for a reason that they won't reappear someday.

I went and saw the movie All About Steve tonight and Sandra Bullock gave another knock out performance. In the movie her character is not the coolest, hippest person in the world but she finds her place to be exactly who she is. I know we will all find that someday and I will find mine again soon but the reminder it gave me of not changing who you are and to stick up for yourself and what you like and believe was much needed. I am who I am. I like what I like, just because I lose that or lose myself doesn't mean that I change because I will always come back to me and who I am. Besides I am my own best companion when it comes down to it. I will never let me down.