Random Thoughts

I have finally decided what I am. I'm an eternal tween trapped in a 24 year olds body. I'm not afraid to admit that I watch the Disney Channel; love Demi, Selena, Taylor and even Miley's music and acting; I love everything Disney; I watch ABC Family, CW, Disney anything that is light and fun; my favorite things are classified for younger kids. But I don't think I'm alone in this. I think there is a fair margin of late teens, early to mid twenties, even some 30 year olds that enjoy the same things. Does that make me immature, uncool, or anything else, no. I like to be entertained, I like to laugh and be light hearted. My life has enough drama and complication without adding on to it with the TV and movies I watch. I love the Twilight series, books and movies. I have read the Harry Potter books multiple times and seen the movies even more. I love watching things that I don't have to think to enjoy, it's simple, fun and entertaining. I like to smile, laugh, dance, singalong. That is just me.

I say all of this and there are some darker, more mature, complicated things that I like. Heroes, True Blood, Desperate Housewives, Grey's Anatomy, Criminal Minds, etc. but at the end of the day They just aren't as entertaining to me. I like watching the girl get the guy, the drama that comes in the middle, the best friend who gets drug along for the ride no matter what happens, everything that comes from these shows. I'm not the artsy, complicated, deeper meaning kind of person. I've watched some of those films and got lost or bored early on. And that's what I'm going to write. I've tried to write darker pieces and they were in darker times of my life but I just can't stay in that state. Things I write are personal parts of me and it takes a lot of me to write them out. My heart and soul are on those pages and my heart and soul are young and romantic. That's what I write. My scripts fit perfectly with the Disney Channel and Nickelodeon teen stars of today. I'm not going to abandon that anytime soon.

New blog

I'm starting a small review blog for my own writing practice and your enjoyment. Check it out at http://reviewsbykc.blogspot.com.

It is literally just past 11 pm here in Wilmington and I am already in bed. Not because I have to wake up early to go to work or because I have a long day tomorrow. No because lately this is what I do. Now I probably will not be asleep before 12 or 1 but I am still in bed. In bed when I know that Bibis is just taking the stage down at the Whiskey or groups are gathering to prep themselves for a night out on the town. A time when younger kids are fast asleep and a "dedicated" student is still pondering starting that 3 page paper that is due at 8 am. I am here alone with my thought and my computer and I am ok with that.

I finally feel settled in Wilmington, not that I have any stability in my life to settle me but this city has become my home. A home that is similar to the one I left behind but with a lot less history and heartache. A place where I can be who I want to be, a place of my own.

It would be nice to have people to share this place with. Family and friends to have treasured memories shared in different locales on different occasions. Not that I don't have any but I feel like you always want more because you never know what might just be better than what you currently have. But in the end I am a solitary person. Whether by choice or actions or mere circumstance I am alone most of the time. This is not a bad thing. I like being independent, relying on myself and not having to worry about the pressures of being enough for somebody else. Because that is my problem. I never feel like I am enough. I'm never doing enough or saying enough, or as a person I am not enough. You could say that I lack in self confidence and when it comes to certain situations this is true. When it comes to my work and my dreams I am not. I know that I am good at what I do and that shows in my work. My family, my career, my chosen path in life, I have never lacked in self confidence about or around. But when it comes to friends, meeting new people, meeting guys I have always had a problem.

Growing up I had a normal childhood, normal except for the fact that I was incredibly shy. I would get sick at the idea of having to speak in front of the class. Meeting new people sent waves through my stomach. Then I found sports and in elementary school they changed it all. It was easy to connect with the girls I played with. Basketball games and practices would lead to sleepovers and friendships at school. But not with everyone. There was always that group, you know the group. The group that knew they were better than everyone one else. The group that everyone strived to fit in with. I always wanted to fit in with that group but I never did. When we got to Junior High I was good enough to make the school basketball team. I was so happy. I was finally in with that group of girls. But I wasn't. I was the outsider even on the team. That was when I started my habit of giving everything I had to others. I gave up myself for them. I completely lost who I was. I did things I would have never done, which is normal but not for me. I lost who I was in those two years. The problem was is that those years are when you develop the most. By the time I hit high school and could no longer play I was a lost soul searching for a place.

I found it. During my time in Junior High I had gone back and forth between the sports jocks and the band geeks. Two groups that did not mix well and that put a strain on me. In high school I decided to take on band as the thing that I would do. Now I would like to say that my high school had it's fair share of cliques and they did tend to stick to their own but we also all knew each other. Most of us had grown up with each other and had added on to groups as we went through the schools. There were no divided tables at lunch, there were plenty of people who did multiple things and had friends in multiple groups but we did have our divides like everyone else. The jocks and the bandies were the two biggest groups. I fit in for the first time in my life, and not to brag but I was popular. I had more friends than I could ever dream of. We all knew each other, hung around with each other, and we were almost a big family.

The three years I spent in that band were great. Then something happened that changed my world. That family that I formed separated and divided. I lost my best friend over a guy and never recovered. I got lost in the sea of college and drowned quickly. I was back in the time when I didn't know where I belonged. I have transitioned in and out of that state for the last 6 years. I have had periods where I was surrounded by friends and periods where it has been just me. I don't rely on others to make me happy, I don't need constant companionship to feel fulfilled. In fact most days I would rather do things on my own anyway. Life is so much less complicated when all you have to worry about is yourself. Now the loneliness does set in and I do need people in my life and I have a very strong core of people around the country to provide that.

The whole point of this blog is that tonight while watching Hannah Montana, yes I watch the Disney Channel it's rather calming actually, they said a quote that stuck with me "Sometimes friends come into your life for a reason and sometimes for a season." I love this because I know that just because I am not friends with everyone I have ever been friends with and just because I am not surrounded by them right now doesn't mean that they didn't have a purpose in my life and that if they did come into my life for a reason that they won't reappear someday.

I went and saw the movie All About Steve tonight and Sandra Bullock gave another knock out performance. In the movie her character is not the coolest, hippest person in the world but she finds her place to be exactly who she is. I know we will all find that someday and I will find mine again soon but the reminder it gave me of not changing who you are and to stick up for yourself and what you like and believe was much needed. I am who I am. I like what I like, just because I lose that or lose myself doesn't mean that I change because I will always come back to me and who I am. Besides I am my own best companion when it comes down to it. I will never let me down.

It's one my favorite time of year. That magical time of year when TV shows stop their needless reruns and return to new episodes. The time of year where Saturdays are spent in front of the TV watching college football. The time of year where the trees turn colors and the temperature dips to that pleasant point to where you can wear jeans and a light jacket out of your house. The time of year where my creativity shines like never before.

I have been taking a retreat from the day to day world that surrounds me here in Wilmington and have trapped myself in my apartment on a much needed soul searching mission. During this mission I have watched classic movies such as Casablanca and Singing in the Rain. I have caught up with TV shows like Heroes and The Office. I have reorganized and cleaned every square inch of my small apartment probably twice. And most of all I've wrote. Wrote random thoughts, random ideas, started a couple short stories, edited a couple screenplays but mostly got everything that has been bouncing around my head out onto "paper." I say "paper" because it is all saved into my computer but I like the term paper better. I have figured out what I like about TV shows and movies and what styles I would love to integrate into my own and what styles I would love to bring back. I took my brain from one extreme to another, experienced new things with watching True Blood for the first time and most of all I rested. I rested my mind, my body and my soul. It was the best vacation ever because I had no expectations, no one to please but myself.

As a new month is approaching so is a new outlook on life for me. I have expected things to come to me. For everything to fall into place. And for the most part a bunch of it has. But I'm done letting life go on around me. I'm taking this bull by the horns and riding it to where ever. A new plan of action has been devised with the help of friends and family and I am working my way through 3 pages worth of To-Do Lists to put this plan into action. September is going to be a really good month for me. Big changes and big things will be happing around me and I can't wait to share them all with you.

I read a review in the Hollywood Reporter today (well it was from back on the 20th but with snail mail I just received it Friday) about the new movie Post Grad. It wasn't the worst review I've ever read but it wasn't one with lots of praise for the movie either. After finishing the article I tore out the page and put it on my fridge because this was the kind of review that I wouldn't want for my first film. The screenplay was by a first time writer and the review of the writing alone was enough to make me want to have 5 more people read my screenplay before I ever think of doing anything with it. From now on I'm going to be reading these reviews very carefully and pulling out these reviews that I don't want to have and good ones of movies that I can learn from.

With the prospects of potential work coming and several wonderful vacations planned, some of them I will be taking some of them will be taken to come see me, I'm very much looking forward to the fall. Good TV, good sports, good weather, good family, good friends, and I'm thankful for them all. Life is good right now and I hope it only gets better from here.

Fight On

What doesn't kill you makes you stinger. What hurts you can motivate and inspire you. A simple sunset over the water can clear your head. While a sunrise can envigerate your soul. As I sit here on the dock by the river looking at the goreguous orange, purple and pink sunset I am conflicted and confused. If you didn't already know I moved recently. It has been one of the scariest, weirdest, drive testing, happiest, craziest, mental unstablest times I have ever faced. I moved to a city 2000 miles from home knowing no one and having only a few encounters with the city. I have made new friends and hurt a few good ones along the way but overall it has been a journey of growth and renewal. Renewal from the life I had been living at home. Renewal from the trials and tribulations I was facing there. A chance to start over, to branch out, to reach for the stars without a safety net. I came in expecting to conquer the world in no time getting everything that I ever dreamed off immediately. What I quickly learned is that this road was an uphill climb full of steep parts and some leveling out slightly but it would be something that I would have to fight for everyday. It has had it's fun day as well as it's down right depressing days. I have gone with very few breakdowns and only a really bad week or two but I have had to fight for it all the way. I didn't take the easy way in choosing this road I'm on. There is nothing easy about the dreams I dream. You have to fight and fight to get where you want to go. Just like a fish fights to get up the stream that is forcing it the other way I must force my way into this industry. As the sun sinks lower and I look at my surrounds and overwheming sense of piece is over me. Not because I have all that I could wish for, because I am far from it. But because I know just as the sun will rise and set over this river tomorrow I will make my way through this journey. I might not always do the right thing or be the best person I can be but I will try my best because that is all that I can do. The early settlers of this city faced their own challenges far beyond anything I could ever imagine. And yet I am sitting here on the very river they sailed upon all of the years later with my new technology and all the possibilties in the world and I know that I will make it. I will not give up, take no for an answer, let others get me down, no I will face all my critics and synics and do what I was sent here to do. God has a plan for me and even though I might always understand or agree with it's twists and turns I will fight on. Tomorrow is a new day and today is only what I make of it.

[Posted from my iPhone. ]

It's Been Awhile

So I realized it's been a long time since I did a quality update on my life. Well so much has happened and gone on that I can't really remember it to write it all out so I will just update you on my weekend and tell you about some exciting things coming up tomorrow.

This weekend I took a little trip down to Savannah, GA. I wish I could say it was for a nice relaxing weekend getaway but it was for work. Which is exciting because it's been a while since I've had work to do. Before I can talk about the weekend I must fill you in on a little of the back story. Lindsay, my best friend, works in Disney World at the Contemporary hotel. One day while she was working at the front desk she met a man who is a producer out in LA. They started talking about some projects that he had going and he stated that he was looking for an editor. Being my constant promoter she mentioned me and hyped me up. After exchanging a couple of e-mails he looked at some of the work I had completed and must have liked what he saw because he wanted me to do an entire test project. In short it was a short film shoot in Savannah showcasing the area for another producer that he knew who was looking in the area. So I set out for Savannah Friday morning to run my very first film shoot, granted it wasn't that big of a shoot, just me and Lindsay, my camera, a tripod, and a small script that got thrown out the window immediately.

Friday was spent going around the area looking at locations and areas that I wanted to film and finalizing the concept for the video. Considering the only direction I was given for the project was shoot Savannah, have fun doing it and make it between 10 minutes and 2 hours long I had no idea what I was going to do for sure. After a delicious dinner at Her Lady and Sons (Paula Dean's local restaurant for those who don't know) and a small strategy session at dinner we went back to the hotel and prepared for a long day of filming on Saturday. A cloudy sky kept the temperature bearable as we ran around Savannah capturing scene after scene. Finally after visiting Wormsloe Historical Site, the rain set in a filming was wrapped for the day. Another dinner at One Eyed Lizzie's and figuring out what was left to be completed yet again went back to the hotel to rest and prepare.

This morning we were greeted with clear skies and perfect weather (that I was hoping for Saturday) which made for a hot day of filming but the shoots we got are beautiful. After a couple hours and a couple last scenes we finished shooting. Now I know this little test shoot might not be exciting to most people but this is the first time that I am doing a project for someone else to see specifically. Most of the other projects I have ever done have been for fun and never seen by anyone so for my first project I was very excited/very nervous. I feel like I have a concept (that I will share after I have completed it) that showcases everything from my directing, camera, producing, editing, and overall skills. I have to combined the 114 scenes we filmed into the final project by Friday.

Tomorrow will be mostly out due to a last minute call to extra in the morning at 7:15 and a job interview (yes I said JOB INTERVIEW) at noon. I'm very excited about this interview because it is with Right Point Media, a local production company that does commercials, TV shows as well as other local projects for a PA position. I sent them my resume a while back thinking that it couldn't hurt to try but I probably didn't have enough experience to warrant anything. The fact that they called for an interview shocked me and I have never been more excited and nervous for an interview. Crossing fingers and toes for this one to work out.

Creatively I have never felt better. I can't wait to share this little movie with you all after it is completed. I hope you will enjoy it.

Songs I Forgot About.

Cruising through my iTunes tonight I found an old Savage Garden CD. I forgot how good their music was/is. I used to live by the song Affirmation. The lyrics spoke to me and for some reason today they did again. I miss my home. I miss my family and friends. I miss going to baseball games and watching fireworks. I miss eating at Abuelos. I miss working at KHOG. I miss it all. I love being here, I love this adventure and everything that has happened since I got here but I just miss home. I'm sorry to anyone I have taken it out on in the last week or so but I haven't known how to process these or any other feelings that I have had. The perfect storm of emotional breakdowns has hit and I don't know how to deal with them when they happen. Luckily I am breaking out of it slowly but surely.

I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold
I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe forgiveness is the key to your own happiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse tv evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
Until you say goodbye
Oh no no no no no