I have finally decided what I am. I'm an eternal tween trapped in a 24 year olds body. I'm not afraid to admit that I watch the Disney Channel; love Demi, Selena, Taylor and even Miley's music and acting; I love everything Disney; I watch ABC Family, CW, Disney anything that is light and fun; my favorite things are classified for younger kids. But I don't think I'm alone in this. I think there is a fair margin of late teens, early to mid twenties, even some 30 year olds that enjoy the same things. Does that make me immature, uncool, or anything else, no. I like to be entertained, I like to laugh and be light hearted. My life has enough drama and complication without adding on to it with the TV and movies I watch. I love the Twilight series, books and movies. I have read the Harry Potter books multiple times and seen the movies even more. I love watching things that I don't have to think to enjoy, it's simple, fun and entertaining. I like to smile, laugh, dance, singalong. That is just me.
I say all of this and there are some darker, more mature, complicated things that I like. Heroes, True Blood, Desperate Housewives, Grey's Anatomy, Criminal Minds, etc. but at the end of the day They just aren't as entertaining to me. I like watching the girl get the guy, the drama that comes in the middle, the best friend who gets drug along for the ride no matter what happens, everything that comes from these shows. I'm not the artsy, complicated, deeper meaning kind of person. I've watched some of those films and got lost or bored early on. And that's what I'm going to write. I've tried to write darker pieces and they were in darker times of my life but I just can't stay in that state. Things I write are personal parts of me and it takes a lot of me to write them out. My heart and soul are on those pages and my heart and soul are young and romantic. That's what I write. My scripts fit perfectly with the Disney Channel and Nickelodeon teen stars of today. I'm not going to abandon that anytime soon.
Random Thoughts
New blog
I'm starting a small review blog for my own writing practice and your enjoyment. Check it out at http://reviewsbykc.blogspot.com.
It is literally just past 11 pm here in Wilmington and I am already in bed. Not because I have to wake up early to go to work or because I have a long day tomorrow. No because lately this is what I do. Now I probably will not be asleep before 12 or 1 but I am still in bed. In bed when I know that Bibis is just taking the stage down at the Whiskey or groups are gathering to prep themselves for a night out on the town. A time when younger kids are fast asleep and a "dedicated" student is still pondering starting that 3 page paper that is due at 8 am. I am here alone with my thought and my computer and I am ok with that.
I finally feel settled in Wilmington, not that I have any stability in my life to settle me but this city has become my home. A home that is similar to the one I left behind but with a lot less history and heartache. A place where I can be who I want to be, a place of my own.
It would be nice to have people to share this place with. Family and friends to have treasured memories shared in different locales on different occasions. Not that I don't have any but I feel like you always want more because you never know what might just be better than what you currently have. But in the end I am a solitary person. Whether by choice or actions or mere circumstance I am alone most of the time. This is not a bad thing. I like being independent, relying on myself and not having to worry about the pressures of being enough for somebody else. Because that is my problem. I never feel like I am enough. I'm never doing enough or saying enough, or as a person I am not enough. You could say that I lack in self confidence and when it comes to certain situations this is true. When it comes to my work and my dreams I am not. I know that I am good at what I do and that shows in my work. My family, my career, my chosen path in life, I have never lacked in self confidence about or around. But when it comes to friends, meeting new people, meeting guys I have always had a problem.
Growing up I had a normal childhood, normal except for the fact that I was incredibly shy. I would get sick at the idea of having to speak in front of the class. Meeting new people sent waves through my stomach. Then I found sports and in elementary school they changed it all. It was easy to connect with the girls I played with. Basketball games and practices would lead to sleepovers and friendships at school. But not with everyone. There was always that group, you know the group. The group that knew they were better than everyone one else. The group that everyone strived to fit in with. I always wanted to fit in with that group but I never did. When we got to Junior High I was good enough to make the school basketball team. I was so happy. I was finally in with that group of girls. But I wasn't. I was the outsider even on the team. That was when I started my habit of giving everything I had to others. I gave up myself for them. I completely lost who I was. I did things I would have never done, which is normal but not for me. I lost who I was in those two years. The problem was is that those years are when you develop the most. By the time I hit high school and could no longer play I was a lost soul searching for a place.
I found it. During my time in Junior High I had gone back and forth between the sports jocks and the band geeks. Two groups that did not mix well and that put a strain on me. In high school I decided to take on band as the thing that I would do. Now I would like to say that my high school had it's fair share of cliques and they did tend to stick to their own but we also all knew each other. Most of us had grown up with each other and had added on to groups as we went through the schools. There were no divided tables at lunch, there were plenty of people who did multiple things and had friends in multiple groups but we did have our divides like everyone else. The jocks and the bandies were the two biggest groups. I fit in for the first time in my life, and not to brag but I was popular. I had more friends than I could ever dream of. We all knew each other, hung around with each other, and we were almost a big family.
The three years I spent in that band were great. Then something happened that changed my world. That family that I formed separated and divided. I lost my best friend over a guy and never recovered. I got lost in the sea of college and drowned quickly. I was back in the time when I didn't know where I belonged. I have transitioned in and out of that state for the last 6 years. I have had periods where I was surrounded by friends and periods where it has been just me. I don't rely on others to make me happy, I don't need constant companionship to feel fulfilled. In fact most days I would rather do things on my own anyway. Life is so much less complicated when all you have to worry about is yourself. Now the loneliness does set in and I do need people in my life and I have a very strong core of people around the country to provide that.
The whole point of this blog is that tonight while watching Hannah Montana, yes I watch the Disney Channel it's rather calming actually, they said a quote that stuck with me "Sometimes friends come into your life for a reason and sometimes for a season." I love this because I know that just because I am not friends with everyone I have ever been friends with and just because I am not surrounded by them right now doesn't mean that they didn't have a purpose in my life and that if they did come into my life for a reason that they won't reappear someday.
I went and saw the movie All About Steve tonight and Sandra Bullock gave another knock out performance. In the movie her character is not the coolest, hippest person in the world but she finds her place to be exactly who she is. I know we will all find that someday and I will find mine again soon but the reminder it gave me of not changing who you are and to stick up for yourself and what you like and believe was much needed. I am who I am. I like what I like, just because I lose that or lose myself doesn't mean that I change because I will always come back to me and who I am. Besides I am my own best companion when it comes down to it. I will never let me down.
